Chapter 1: James the Greater

Day after day passed, yet I remained -
a shell of the woman I used to be,
numb from the pain,
trying to stop the world from spinning for just a moment.

And then He entered my life.

It’s like I was drowning, but the sea lifted me up and tossed me out onto the shore, right at his feet.
He scooped me up.

Through the groggy haze, I heard his voice and saw his silhouette.
Something strange happened then -
Somewhere deep in the charred remains of my heart I felt the spark of a tiny ember that had remained,
and before I knew it a fire reignited within me,
amongst the coals I feared would forever remain cold.

Our time together was short,
but he breathed life back into my soul,
and showed me that I could,
once again,
feel something...

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 2: Saint Peter

His eyes glinted with genuine admiration whenever I was in his presence.
My heart filled with joy and my soul felt light whenever he was in mine.

Every moment we shared exuberating and filled with a lust for life.

There was a natural ease when we were together...
Conversation flowed as easily as champagne on New Year’s Eve;
Any silence devoid of awkwardness;
And oh how that man could make me laugh!
Watching the sun set over the Hudson River, walking the boardwalk down the shore, dancing in the middle of the street, admiring the night sky, cooking together, car rides home holding hands, even just lying in bed listening to music, I felt completely at peace.
A sense of comfort I had never known.

I’ll always cherish the time I had with him.
He made me a better woman.

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 3: Saint Bartholomew

He stood out from all the others with his enchanting words,
speaking of art and gastronomy;
Not once requesting an intimate photo, or pushing for more.

He always took me to the best restaurants...
Each meal tantalizing my tastebuds -
foodgasmic foreplay that led to sensual bedroom interludes.

I should’ve known the first time he asked me over to spend the whole night, and tossed a few frozen pieces of Banquet fried chicken on a cookie sheet, calling it dinner -
that he cooked for me -
when he was a goddamned head chef.

I should’ve known from all the conversations he would seamlessly weave his ex’s name into.

When he stopped calling and the texts grew further and further apart, before complete non existence -
I should’ve known.

Ironic, how now, he’s just a hauntless ghost from my past.

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 4: Saint Simon the Zealot

As I pulled up to the bar and got out of my car,
I realized it was him standing out front.
A kaleidoscope of butterflies took flight in my stomach as he turned and we locked eyes.

*mental snapshot*

His smile took me back 23 years...
It was the same boyish grin I remembered.
In the 50 feet it took me to reach him,
memories flooded my brain - a combination of polaroid snaps and little reels of tape.
Suddenly we were 15 - awkward teens again.

We brought the sun up that night -
Everything felt so right.

As we drifted to sleep, I envisioned the life that could’ve been had we expressed any of our feelings during our youth.
But the bright midday sun woke me up,
reminding me that time had passed and even now, it just wasn’t our time -
and as I wistfully watched him sleep across the bed, I knew it never would be.

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 5: John the Apostle

His words spoke to me...
and then he did.

There was something there,
and it felt so familiar.

It wasn’t long before we realized we had already known each other before,
over various different lives;
Always finding each other -
The powerful draw between Moon Goddess and Sun God; Fire with Fire.

But shortly after, the realities of this life predominantly stood their ground,
and I knew there was nothing further for us.

Perhaps we will finally get it right in another life; Who knows?

But for now,
in this life,
our story and love will remain only in ink -
Immortalized on paper,
and carried in our hearts.

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 6: Judas Iscariat

**TRIGGER WARNING**

He came out of nowhere and stood before me, eclipsing the sun.
I looked up from my book and my breath caught at the sight of his beautiful face.
I can still remember those ocher eyes, strong jawline, and dazzling smile.
He asked for a light and stayed with me for the next half hour, talking and laughing.
He gave me his dorm number when we parted.

Over the next few weeks we’d meet between classes in our spot. I lived for those moments.
He invited me to an end of semester party one day and my heart skipped - I was crushing hard.

That night, my friends and I met in his dorm to head over to the party together - Such a fun night!

Now it was time to go and I remembered my sweatshirt was still in his dorm.
He walked me over.
He kissed me.
I melted.

Then he began unbuttoning my flannel shirt.
My head swirled.
I needed to catch my breath.
I asked him to stop a moment.
He didn’t.
Louder this time,
I put my hands on his chest to push him away.
He didn’t budge.

It all happened so fast.
I felt the weight of him on my now exposed body; the smell of his cheap cologne mixed with sweat.
His mouth all over me tasted of stale beer and cigarettes.
It was over quickly, but those minutes felt like days.

As I sat there buttoning my shirt back up, he tossed me my sweatshirt and bent down to kiss me.
I turned away.
He grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him.
His eyes were dark now, like onyx.
He kissed me hard and said, “You know you liked it. You’ve been wanting it for weeks.”

I never saw him again - The semester was over - I didn’t even know his last name.
But to this day, if I catch a whiff of CK One, my stomach churns and I remember him.

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

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For more information or help regarding sexual abuse of any kind you can call the
National Sexual Assault Hotline @ 800.656.HOPE (4673) or go to www.rainn.org

Chapter 7: Saint Matthew, part one

PART ONE
From the first time I noticed him, something about him caught my attention.
His voice captivated me, and his emotive words struck chords deep within.

Interactions were kept at bay, however, while apparently false perceptions presented as reality.

But that first time we messaged all night, oh how I felt the twinge of disappointment having to say goodbye.

The next time was too much to bear, so I ripped the Band-Aid off, inquiring about the wall I perceived stood in our way.
Inexplicable relief.

With the air cleared and truth divulged, a flood of hot emotions washed over me as I finally allowed myself to succumb...

That night we blasted through the ice with an explosion of atomic proportions.

In the wake of the aftermath once the dust settled, it was quite clear - we melded well together into something beautiful.
Like Hydrogen and Oxygen, we became one fluid body of water -
A vast ocean with profound depths and sweeping tides of emotion.

Both nothing and everything made sense.

But it felt like the Gods had answered my prayers -
He was everything I ever wished for.

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 7: Saint Matthew, part two

PART TWO
Hours upon hours pass as mere minutes.

His voice still captivated me, but it’s the sound of his echoing laughter that lights me up;
The sight of his deliciously wicked and reassuring smile, framed by two perfect dimples, that warms my heart;
And the way he speaks to me, with such conviction of love and support, that completely melts me.

I could easily lose myself forever in that enamored gaze he holds on me.

As each day passes, the yearning to feel myself in his arms grows stronger, along with the swelling of my heart.

All logic and laws of time cease to exist for deep-feeling old souls.
The day we get to tangibly feel each other’s warm embrace will be here before we know it, and feel like no time has passed.

I thank Odin everyday for bringing me this incredible man - I know exactly what I have.

And everyday I look at this beautiful man’s handsome face, stare into his loving, brilliant eyes, and I feel it.
Every fiber of my being resonates with the knowledge -
It was always supposed to be Him.

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 8: Saint Philip

The day we met, I knew... my life was going to change.
When he turned to see who entered the room that day, our eyes locked, he smiled, and I somehow knew.
There was an instant synergy between us.
I was in complete awe of the way he could handle a room or any situation.
He was larger than life.

I soon discovered that synergy carried on outside, in casual settings;
and shortly after - in bed.

It was supposed to be a one night fling.
And then it happened again... and again.
Before I knew it, we were swept up in a lust-filled haze of whiskey, hotel rooms, and sheets - twisted and damp.
The hotel rooms became his house, and I woke up one morning realizing our lives were completely intertwined as I listened to the sound of our boys playing in the other room.
I was in love... or so I thought.

He was already the sun in my world, but my devotion eclipsed the painful truth - I was only his drug; always there whenever he needed a fix.

Looking back, I think it was more of an addiction between us - both craving the things we made each other feel.
The longing and desire so intense.
But I believed all the things he said to me, backed up by all the actions he showed me.

As I knelt in the ashes of my obliterated illusion, my tear-strewn face covered in soot, desperately clutching my chest - while some other woman lay in his arms, in the bed we shared so many nights, in the house I had made a home, it hit me...
The crushing realization that there was no “We” and even more devastating - I had lost my supposed best friend.

In the end, I’m grateful for all he gave me -
Though I doubted my intuition for a long time after, he woke a part of me that had been sleeping for years... and forever changed my life.

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 9: Saint (Jude) Thaddeus

It had been 13 years since I last saw him, as I moved boxes that day and heard my name.
But my body knew that voice...
The boy who professed his love for me in the first grade and persistently kept after me through Middle school into High.

It was until I was 18, that my stubborn heart gave in.
We spent several months together,
finding secluded spots in the woods to make out,
spending hours in my car cuddled up listening to music and talking.

It ended abruptly; Unfinished; I moved on.

And just like that he showed up again, at a time when neither of us were available, but my whole world was just turned upside down and I craved something familiar.

As I stood before him that first night, heart racing, I suddenly felt like a shy teenager again.
My whole body flushed with heat as he undressed me.
But the moment I felt his hot breath on my skin, I remembered the woman I now was, and eagerly showed him.
At 31 years we finally crossed that line, and spent the whole night making up for lost time.

The next two months where a whirlwind of sex and lies, while my life was crumbling around me.
I had lost all faith and allowed myself to get caught up in this intoxicating affair.
Deluding myself to believe this was real and we were meant to be.

The day his fiancé asked me to be a bridesmaid, I finally woke the fuck up.
Heart wrenched from my chest, I cried my last tears over him.

He married; Divorced; and went to jail for a year.

He wrote me regularly, apologizing and telling me how stupidly blind he had been and that he loved me... that it was always me.

Had things been different, I’m sure I would’ve happily ran right into the web.
But I was not the same woman now;
With enough venom build-up in my blood, I became immune to the manipulation,
and my body no longer responded to his voice.

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 10: Saint Thomas the Doubter

I remember the moment I fell in love with him.
We had spent the whole day out on that boat -
snorkeling, swimming, drifting in the waves off the coast of Brazil.
We were on our way back now.
Water-logged and drunk from the sun, I leaned back against his chest as we made our way back to land.
As I watched the setting sun scatter diamonds across the surface of the ocean, with the fresh breeze against my face, blowing my hair about, I felt his lips absentmindedly brush against my bare shoulder as he too looked out.
In that moment, without saying a word, I knew he was feeling the same peaceful bliss that I was...
And I knew I was in love with him.

Leaving him behind at the airport gate when I flew back home was one of the hardest moments my heart had to endure.
But leaving him at the airport after his visit here with us, was even harder.
The pain excruciating, and I somehow knew it would be our last goodbye.

We somehow made our relationship work for two years, with only three visits.
But in the end it was all just too much -
the distance, the lies, the neuroses.

With the end of our relationship,
I felt both earth-shattering heartbreak,
along with incredible freedom.

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 11: James, son of Alphaeus

He talked a good talk.
Running lines like a seasoned actor taking stage.
I called him out on every single one - and he fell.
Amazed by the woman I was, unlike any other he’d known.

I rather enjoyed this little game we played;
Serving up the next shot, lovely - back and forth.
He made me smile, showed true care.
The icy prison around his heart melted,
into a warm puddle down below.
This symbiotic relationship was starting to feel a lot like love.

That’s when Truth stepped forward, unveiling her benevolent self.
You see, our lives were intertwined, but my hands were tied.
Blurred lines of lust and love mattered not...
He could never be mine, nor I his.
He was bound to another; a previous commitment of vows.
And I remained,
apparently always drawn to the unattainable...
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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 12: Saint Andrew

He loved me when I was my most unloveable.
When I believed no one would ever love me for me, He came along and did.

Young in love and new to adult relationships, neither of us knew what we were doing.
Neither of us had an example of a healthy relationship to emulate.
But we did love each other and knew being together felt better than not.

We had our ups and downs, but persevered on.
The roller coaster of Us went on for a decade before he left.
But we could never fully stay apart, and two years later he proposed, promising to spend the rest of his life making up for leaving - his biggest mistake.
That lasted eleven months.

For the first time ever, I went numb from the pain.
Saltless tears fell - I had nothing left.
The man I once loved was gone -
our future together dissipated in the drops of water that rolled down my cheeks.
And then one month later I discovered the ring wasn’t the only gift he left me with as new life began to grow inside me.

When I look back at our relationship that lasted longer than most marriages, I think maybe we stayed together out of comfort or fear of being alone.
But there was love between us, and there will always be a very special place in my heart that belongs only to him.
He gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever receive -
He gave me the true love of my life... my son.
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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2019

Chapter 13: Mary Magdalene

I open the small ornate box and run my fingers over the smooth pearls.
An energy surges through me, like a jolt of electricity, triggering visions of lifetimes past.
Chilled, I wrap my red sweater around me tighter.

One thing I‘ve learned, is that no matter the circumstance -
whether we wish to freeze a joyous moment forever, or can’t bear the thought of life continuing without someone we’ve lost -
time still goes on.

At an early age I knew I was different,
always feeling things in a very big way,
stronger and deeper than most.
A “gift” that has often left me feeling alone and uncertain as to where I belonged... incomplete; and I longed for something, or someone, to make me feel whole.

Passion coursed through these veins like the Mississippi; there was something inside me I could not name.
Like a burning flame, whatever it was drew people to me like moths -
awe-stricken by this ever-glowing light, happy to feel just a little of its warmth -
and this heart of mine, bursting with love, was all too happy to oblige.
I’ve only ever wanted to make people feel good about themselves; to know their worth.

Every relationship was entered with my whole heart.
Not looking for perfection, I fell for those with a damaged past, like mine.
As much as I was looking for someone to save me,
I wanted to be the One to save them -
praising their existence, anointing them with spikenard oil.
And in the end, it was the tears I cried - heartbroken at having failed, at once again not being enough, and being alone -
that finally cleansed them.

They would move on - I would remain
The world I knew ceased - Time would go on

I wouldn’t give my love to just anyone.
But when I did, I gave it all.
There were times I was robbed;
A nefarious creature here and there, drunk with lust and greed, attempting to extinguish this fire within.
Disheartened in these moments I would withdraw, feeling repentant and hopeless.
But my flame remained and with each day grew brighter until I could once again feel its warmth, and remember who I was…

Maybe now a relic, but my very name in this life means strength, and I feel it every time the wind catches my hair.

After all these years, and lives,
lovers past and present,
ghosts and demons tagging each other in taking turns,
I’ve finally found my true love…

I take one last look at those pearls,
close the box,
let that last sip of whiskey roll over my tongue,
and join my son for the game of Sorry he has set up for us.
For He is the one constant,
the missing piece,
my center of gravity -
the love of my life -
And through him my legacy will live on.

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©️VMLM13 Whiskey + Empathy 2020